Nothing will ever be the same again

16th April 2011

So, to be honest, I actually haven’t really replayed this in my head since it happened. I guess it's been my way of dealing with it..........

Saturday morning and we were all racing around preparing everything for Scott's 30th birthday party. Stella and Jett's Uncle Sean, Uncle Damo, Uncle Drew and Great Aunty Catherine had come over especially for the party.

Lunch time, I took Stella outside to see the boys.
I noticed she wasn’t really holding onto me properly but thought nothing of it.
Then I noticed her foot was twitching. A funny twitch that look like a muscle spasm.
I showed her daddy and the boys and we all thought that maybe it was growing pains.
So I took her inside, made her a bottle and set her up on her lounge in the living room.
5 mins passes and I notice her foot twitch had moved up her leg. It looked like a 'hiccup'.

I called my mum. I just thought it wasn’t quite right. After a 2 min phone call, I hung up and called the ambulance. She was still responding at this time but the 'hiccup' had moved to the whole left side of her body. I was beginning to worry.... I got the boys to stay inside with her while I was waiting to hail the ambulance in. They seemed to take forever..... They arrived, must have been around 2pm. They weren't sure what was wrong with her but thought it could be allergy related. She was still responding but was floppy, I could hardly breathe. I went with her in the ambulance; I just held her hand and patted her head while she looked up to me from the bed.She had no idea what was going on ...... she wasn’t crying, and I was trying to not cry as I didn’t want her to see me upset.

In the Emergency room she was whisked away, there must have been 10 people all around her. I couldn’t see what was going on. I waited anxiously for Scott to arrive. In a short amount of time Stella had a lot of tubes in her. An American Doctor came over and told us that she was fitting and they are trying to stop it. He asked a lot of questions. I can’t remember much else but I know they were all very concerned. A nurse came over and said they were going to call the Mater Children’s, and that she may be transferred there if that’s what they recommend. I spoke to Scott, we had no idea what was going on, and definitely no idea how serious it was. I honestly thought she would be out the next day and we could have the party the following week, how wrong was I.

I still remember driving to the Mater that night at around 8:30pm.Talking to Scott, both wondering what the hell was wrong with our little girl.

We were told to go straight to PICU (Paediatric Intensive Care Unit)
We wandered around not knowing where we were going, got the room and waiting in the parents retreat room.
Hours passed and still no word on our little girl, no word as to whether she had even arrived at the hospital yet from Ipswich.
11:30pm came and I just couldn’t wait any longer.
I buzzed ICU reception desk and asked for Stella.
She had just arrived and they were finishing putting the "lines" in her. I had no idea what they were talking about. They said they would be another half hour.
Nearly an hour passed. Finally a nurse arrived at the door. She said we were able to go in, but first a doctor needed to talk to us.
We walked in through the door; I noticed the strong smell of antibacterial hand wash (a smell that I will now never forget) and bright lights.

Into the consult room. I can’t remember much, I was numb. We were told our daughter was still having a seizure that no drugs could control. That this is not normal at all and that she may not make it through the night.

God, the despair, the grief, it's overwhelming and nothing can stop it.

It feels like your insides are being pulled out. I couldn’t hear anything the doctor was saying after he said that, I was in a bubble and was in that bubble for the next 18 days that we spent in PICU.

...............

The next day felt like the world was ending, it was overcast outside and thats how I felt in my heart.