Sunday, April 15, 2012

16th April 2011


Today is the eve of the day when one year ago our Stella was rushed off to the hospital.

The naivety I had that day makes me cringe now.
I honestly thought she was just having an allergic reaction and that she would be out the next day.
How wrong was I.

A whole year, It seems to have flown by.
There were however many times through the year when it seriously felt like the whole world had stopped. That I was the only one moving.
I still can’t bring to myself to ‘really’ think about the last year we have endured.
What we have gone through has been devastatingly life changing and I will always carry sadness in my heart.

Stella was and is still amazing.  
I will miss her for as long as I live.

How am I living my life now ?
I will not take anything for granted and I will make the most of each day.
Seem like pretty simple quotes to live by but I know so many people don’t.
I don’t bother getting caught up in petty stuff anymore. I make time for people who feel good for my soul. I try to smile more and have an even more relaxed attitude when it comes to living life in general.

Every single day I take pleasure in the little things.
I love watching Jett.
When he’s playing, eating, sleeping, talking.
I cuddle him and I kiss his face and chubby cheeks so many times a day.
I hold him and dance, and we snuggle on the couch. I really hear and listen to the giggles and laughter. 
I saviour him every day, and I feel incredibly blessed to have him here with me and to have had Stella too.
Everything he does, I look in wonder. This little being is so very lucky to have his big sister watching over him. He will always know who his sister is, how brave she was, and how much of a beautiful soul she had.

As the old saying goes;

“It’s better to have loved then to have not loved at all”….

Well, that’s an incredibly hard way to think when you have lost your child but it’s so so true.
I hated that saying last year, and I hated myself for thinking, at times when the grief was overwhelming that it would have been easier not knowing her at all....
I couldnt even say the verse in my head without bawling.
Now, I can smile through tears as I am so very very blessed to have had her in my life, for even only a short time, and in that time I can honestly say I loved  her and fed her posistive energy every single day. She in return loved me, and taught me to be a better person and mummy.
She was here for a reason and she left for a reason to.
As crap as it is, it's how it is and nothing can change it.

Love you Stella Baby, for eternity, and till we meet again xx

Stella on the morning of the 16th April 2011: 
A normal, healthy, funny pretty little girl x