Friday, March 23, 2012

Over three months on


Well its been a little while since I last wrote a blog post, and to be honest I haven’t because I haven’t known what to write.

How I feel day to day varies so much.

I drove past our ‘old route’ to the Mater last week, and I swear I nearly had a panic attack.

I was out shopping with my hubby and I saw a cute little sign that said
“I’ve already found my prince, his name is Daddy” , I read this and felt like crying. My husband has lost his little princess.

We were at a friends house for dinner two nights ago, and he handed me Stella’s pink tea party basket. I use to use it to carry her toys around when visiting people.
It has been there for over a year and I had forgotten about it… So many dreams and hopes in just a little tea set...

I hate feeling like I have to say that Jett is my first child to people I meet in day to day life, just so I don’t make them feel “uncomfortable”. People dont know what to say, and a lot of the time it's easier to say nothing, but then I feel so terrible. He is my second, and Stella was and always will be my first   :'(

I still buy Stella pretty things every week. I can’t help myself. I place whatever I have bought in amongst all her other “treasures” in her special room.

I just miss her, miss her sweet little face.

My little Stella Bella, baby princess forever xxx


  1. Her room is beautiful. You have made it such a haven for you and her. To cry, to think of the happy times, to escape from that awful feeling the world is moving on ... and not wanting to move on with it. Just to be you and her.

    I still buy my little girl something whenever I see things I think she would like - others judge and say it is not 'healthy' ... but if only they knew how to fill the void! Dont stop buying things... it is our way of aknowledging them and making them feel alive with us.

    You want to carry like a sign around that says...."Please dont ask me how many children I have" or "how are you" or "Does he have any brothers or sisters" or "are you ok" ... Like in the olden days, I wear black on my bad days. Anyone who follows the tradition can see I dont want to talk to anyone on these "black" days. Some days I am jusst not strong enough to talk.

    Please cry, dont hold back your tears. Whenever you feel you have something to say, just write it, even if its small or emotional. We are all in this with you, this painful grief that is suffocating at times... and like you said, the littlest things can just swap you into breathlessness, it will pass, just ride those moments thru, dont try and stop them.

    We are hear with you and think about you and Stella everyday, thank you for writing today. Sending you a hug, and please know that we acknowledge Stella will always be your first.

  2. I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you. I ran into a situation once, where I asked if someone's baby was their first. They told me, 'My first is living happily in Heaven, and this is my second.' It was such a nice way for someone to put it, I thought, after I had asked such a painful question. Instead of saying I'm sorry, I said, 'oh, that's so nice.'
    I'm not sure if that should have come out of my mouth, but the thought of someone's baby playing with angels and in a perfect place warmed my heart in a strange way...
    For what it's worth, I pray for you and your family daily... Every time I think about it. Stella seemed so wonderful <3

  3. Chels maybe for right now telling people that Jett is your only child is easier for you and the people listening. Hopefully with time you find the right words to be able to recognise Stella as your angel baby and Jett as your only child (for now) that is with you physically. Obviously, coming from me this is fairly patronising as I've not lost a child, but reading from the outset I just wonder if this is the case.

    Anyway, I think it is lovely you buy things for Stella. It is your way of recognising her and remembering her, I think that is special. You are such a beautiful mummy.

  4. Her room is beautiful Chels and such a special place for you to share some quiet time with her. Those people that know you, know how special Stella was and that she will always be one of the most precious people in your life. The heartache that must pass though I can barely begin to imagine but please know all of us are here for you and love you all!! XXOO

  5. Oh Chel that made me cry bittersweet happy tears to know you still buy your beautiful girl pretty things. She is so loved.

    As far as telling people - well you do what makes you comfortable, don't worry about them.

    with all my love xo

  6. Chels I think it is so beautiful and special that you buy your little girl gifts. The bond between your hearts will never be broken and I imagine it will grow stronger still as each day passes.

  7. I love that you still buy things for Stella. She is your baby girl and she always will be. Until I read this blog entry, I never even considered how the question "is this your first?" (which I get asked constantly!) would be difficult for you to answer - not from your perspective, but to 'save' those listening the discomfort of not knowing what to say :( I hate that that is the case :( I wish all people could be more empathetic/sympathetic. I hate that their discomfort from their inability to respond overrides your need to let them know that no, Jett is your second born and Stella is your first born. You hold Jett in your arms and both in your heart <3 As your friend Sari said - just write. I love your blogs, every time I read them my heart aches yet also sings for the love you have for your babies <3